Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.
# Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
# Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
# Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
# If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
# Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
# Blood’s not thicker than money.
# I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
# I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
# Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
# Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off.
# Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
# Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
# From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
# He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot
# How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them.
# I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.
# I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
# I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.
# I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
# I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
# I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
# I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
# I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
# I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it
# If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
# I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.
# Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
# Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
# Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
# Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?
# Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!
# Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.
# Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
# Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
# Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
# Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
# Remember men, you are fighting for this lady’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
# Say! You haven’t stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!
# She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.