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Peter Kay Quotes

Funny quotes and questions of top comedian Peter Kay. “ I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."

Peter Kay Quotes

“So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.”

“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.”

“ I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. “

“ Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. “

“ My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. “

“ I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. “

“Forty quid Jim - what’s it in, 2p’s?”

“Bullseye wasn't like any other programme I watched, as it were crap and it were good at the same time.”

Peter Kay's questions...

“ Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?”

“ Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?”

“ Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? “

“ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? “

“ What do people in China call their good plates? “

“ If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? “

“ Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? “

“ Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? “

“ Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window? “

“She’s just been trying to change channel with her bloody glasses case!”

peter kay

Peter Kay

Peter Kay Catchphrases

· Garlic... bread? · If it's not one thing, it's your mother · Put t'big light on · It's that fine rain that soaks you through · 'Ave it! · Cheese... cake?

News on Peter Kay at BBC

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