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Short Funny Quotes

selection of short funny quotes by a variety of politicians and comedians

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"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."


"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."


If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking “Do you want fries with that?”

- John Cleese


I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde

- Dolly Parton


"A lot of fellows nowadays have a BA, MD, or PhD. Unfortunately they don’t have a J-O-B"

Fats Domino


Eddy:" In Zen terms we are all just molecules. Theres’ no difference between me and the table, me and a tree, me and Madonna."
Saffy "Except you have a fatter bottom."

- Absolutely Fabulous


"In America anyone can become president. That’s the problem"

- George Carlin


"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president."

- Johnny Carson


“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as ood. Luckily, this is not difficult.”

- Charlotte Whitton, Canadian feminist and politician


"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual."

- Patrick Moore, English astronomer


"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."

- Albert Einstein

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

- Albert Einstein


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