On one particular occasion, Lincoln was anxious to get the attention of the judge, he announced: “May it please your Honor, I am like the Irish sailor, and beg your Honor to excuse me for this hurried interruption.”

The line worked. The judge asked Lincoln to explain his ‘Celtic sailor’ analogy.

Lincoln responded:

“Well, an Irish sailor was overtaken at sea by a heavy storm and he thought he would pray but didn’t know [how], so he went down on his knees and said: ‘Oh, Lord! you know as well as meself that it’s seldom I bodder ye, but if ye will only hear me and save me this time, bedad it will be a long time before I bodder ye again’.” (The Log Cabin Sage)

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For some reason, it reminds me of a joke where there is a great flood, and a very pious man starts praying to God to save him. A few minutes later, a boat comes by and the pious man – says “No Thanks. I have prayed to God, and he will come and save me soon”. The boat leaves. Another 30 minutes and a helicopter flies by, but again the pious man says “No thanks. God always listens to my prayer, he will come and save me.”

Another hour passed and the sea levels continued to rise and the man drowned. When he got to Heaven, he couldn’t understand why God didn’t save him, so St Peter enlightened him – who do you think sent the boat and helicopter?!

Greece is not just a beautiful country but also the cradle of – Western civilisation, the Olympics, democracy, and association football.

Football may come as a surprise to students of history, because many erroneously believe football to have been invented by the British around the start of the Nineteenth Century.

But, in fact, five centuries BC and Archimedes had already discovered the joyful abandon of kicking an old ball of leather around the Pantheon during a debating contest with Pythagorus (an early proponent of the 2-4-2 triangle formation)

Unfortunately, these early football games were strictly limited to the brightest minds of the age; only those with a firm grasp of Aristotelian ethics were allowed to enter the field of play.

During the Renaissance, as high culture blossomed, football sadly slipped into obscurity with Rene Descartes casting doubting about whether the ball really existed – and the German philosopher Immanuel Kant delving into the controversial existential question of why did England always lose on penalties?

It was not until Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels groundbreaking work on the dialectical materialism of the offside rule, that the game could finally be taken from the dry, academic environs of obscure philosophy to the working class streets of northern England.

Communism may have come and gone, but Karl Marx’s legacy to football is one of his much under-appreciated legacies.

“Did you like that?”

Fred Dibnah after felling a chimney which nearly landed on himself. The childlike grin after felling a chimney – priceless. Love the horn too.

Fred Dibnah was born in Bolton, Lancashire. He made a living as a steeplejack – first mending chimneys and later, being responsible for dismantling them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aA2TBrIEc4

“I’ve never fell off a big chimney. You’d only fall off one of them once.”

The Bolton accent is wonderful. Fred Dibnah became a bit of a media celebrity perhaps because he was just an antidote to your average celebrity. His passion for his job and steam engines is quite something. I like the fact he talks about his preference for giving a chimney once last smoke. Rather than dynamite which has the job in five seconds, Fred believes his way of dismantling chimneys is more respectful to the human labour which went into building them.

There used to be a 1,000 chimney within short reach of Fred’s hometown in Bolton. But, now it’s a vanishing landscape and now only the odd large chimneys are only kept for heritage value.

Health and safety

“The thing is nowadays, you’ll have 20 men working, yet 60 men telling them ‘You can’t do that, you ain’t got a tin hat on'”.

(About Hard Hats) “These tin hats get in the way a bit” “I shouldn’t think for the life of me that if the whole thing came down it’d stop you getting a shorter neck”

For those brought up in a modern culture of risk assessment, health and safety directives, Fred Dibnah’s approach to running away from a pile of falling bricks is quite a shock to the system!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2NevYSlXOo

“If you make a mistake it’s half a day with the undertaker.

“It’s always been my ambition to have a wooden mind shaft in the garden.”

“I realise that steam engines aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. But they’re what made England great.”

“Teaching boys to bake cakes? That’s no way to maintain an industrial empire.”

“I’m proud to be working in honest toil”

As a vegetarian, yoga practising, socialist, my favourite character is Ron Swanson, the carnivorous, yoga hating, capitalist.

A close second is Andy Dwyer, I haven’t laughed out loud so much, since the first time I watched Fawlty Towers. It’s sometimes reminiscent of Monty Python in terms of being out there.

The other thing I like about Parks and Recreation is that although the people are caricatures of different aspects of modern America, it also portrays the best of America. Ron Swanson is outwardly the hard nosed uncaring Capitalist, but he also has a heart when it matters. Leslie Knope’s character (played by Amy Poehler) is also very good and she gives a really great performance, (although I’m glad there is a Ron Swanson character to make a joke about all the emotional stuff)

Overall, as Ron Swanson would say: It’s very good!

One of my favourite comedy sketches – The Four Yorkshiremen.

“Corridor, we used to dream of living in a corridor.”

Related

I managed to use the Four Yorkshiremen Sketch as a somewhat convoluted introduction to an article on spiritual discipline and obedience.

See: The discipline to follow a spiritual life at Write Spirit.

I wish I could write a serious post sufficiently literary to mark the occasion, but in the world of Shakespeare, I am a bit of a failure. The only Shakespeare I read was Macbeth and that only because it was on the GCSE English reading list. My thoughts at the time of reading Shakespeare was probably something along the lines of: “He has a good turn of phrase every now and then, but I think sometimes he could express himself a bit more clearly”

I took up Economics, I was no loss to the department of English Literature.

I do like the odd Shakespeare joke though. I hope William would approve, apparently he had quite a sense of humour, but many of his jokes are lost on modern audiences because of changes in the English accent. Probably a good job because some of his jokes could be a little ribald for a GCSE English class.

One of my all time favourite jokes – probably because I heard it told by Peter Kay, with his typical infectious enthusiasm.

William Shakespeare walks into a pub, but the landlord says “Get out, you’re bard!”

Knock Knock Jokes

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah’s the winter of our discontent.

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Wherefore means.
Wherefore means who?
No, “wherefore” means “why.” How many times do we have to go over this?

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Et.
Et who?
Et tu, Brute? Then fall, Caesar!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Shelly.
Shelly who?
Shelly compare thee to a summer’s day?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mike.
Mike who?
Mike Ingdom for a horse.

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Julius Caesar.
Julius Caesar who?
Julius, seize her! She’s the one who stole my wallet!

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Ferris.
Ferris who?
Ferris foul and foul is fair.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mike.
Mike who?
Mike Ingdom for a horse.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

Did Shakespeare even create the Knock Knock Joke? This is from Macbeth

Porter:
Here’s a knocking indeed! If a man were porter of Hell Gate,
he should have old turning the key. [Knock] Knock, knock,
knock! Who’s there, i’ th’ name of Belzebub? . . . [Knock] Knock,
knock! Who’s there, in th’ other devil’s name?

Macbeth Act 2, scene 3, 1–8

Knock Knock joke using quotes from Macbeth

Knock Knock. (Macbeth)

Who’s there? (Hamlet)

Who dares. (Cymbeline)

Who dares who? (Timon of Athens)

Who dares do more is none! (Macbeth)

How many Henry VIs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to do it in three parts.

How many Macbeths does it take to change a light bulb?
I wouldn’t know. Every time he sees a working light bulb, he yells, “Out, out, brief candle!” and smashes it to bits.

Other Shakespeare jokes

If you have any good Shakespeare jokes, add them or link in comments.

2B or not 2B excepted.

Shakespeare insults

Shakespeare invented many words, he seemed especially fond of insults.

Shakespeare has given many memorable insults, “Thou art like a toad; ugly and venomous.”, “You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!”, “Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!”

William Shakes-pear Puns

William Shakes Pear

Toupee or not toupee?

Related

• Biography of William Shakespeare at Biography Online
• More Knock Knock Shakespeare Jokes
• Facts about Shakespeare
• Shakespeare at Poetseers

With the sun setting below the hills, I closed my door and burnt some incense. The pungent fragrance filling the room. Settled in the chair I felt unusually receptive for meditation. I started to chant AUM, AUM, AUM … – when from above, I heard an unexpected sound.

“The journey of one hundred thousand paces begins with a flat tyre and a broken fan-belt.”

The dulcet tones of Les Barker (comic poet) was blaring out from my father’s stereo. At the exact moment my meditation commenced, he had decided to play “the Verb to be.”

The poem continues in a similar vein:

“Never criticise your fellow man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. Then if he doesn’t like it, you’re a mile a way and you’ve got his shoes.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2zn8uv

In a different frame of mind, I may have been frustrated. But, there was a certain comic timing – which I found quite funny.

In the world of poetry, I also agree 100% with Les Barker.

“I have tried to write good poetry;
At last I feel I’m winning –
The secret is to put the end
Close to the beginning.”

Les Barker – 2003
Happy Christmas!

Related Christmas

• The Son – A play by Sri Chinmoy about Jesus Christ

The message of Jesus Christ

• He is very funny
• He is big-hearted spirit – you could enjoy watching Peter Kay, even without the jokes
• The comedy is a rare blend of the surreal and laugh out loud farces of modern life – it doesn’t need excruciating embarrassment (The Office style) or high levels of swearing (like many comedians). It is just a very enjoyable, uplifting comedy

Peter Kay is careful not to over-perform – he is happy to wait quite a few years in between projects. The result is we have to wait longer than we would like, but when he does appear, there is great freshness and originality.

The comedy is a slow burner – it doesn’t look to get a high number of jokes, whenever the opportunity arises. The comedy lulls you into the sense you are watching normal life. When the comic moment comes at an unexpected time, it is doubly funny because it is unexpected and somehow much more ‘real’ than some sit-coms which need to ‘force’ the comedy.

It must be hard to play opposite Peter Kay, but Kayleigh (played by Sian Gibson) does a great job in providing a wonderful foil and complement to the talents of Kay.

Peter Kay will just put a big smile on your face, a very rare quality – no wonder he is so popular.

Peter Kay on Michael Parkinson

narrated by Clive Anderson

A man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to
extract a wisdom tooth.

“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper
way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock
the price down to $60.”

“That’s still too expensive,” the man complains.

“Okay,” says the dentist, “you can save on anaesthesia if I simply rip
the tooth out with a pair of pliers. I can knock the price down to $20.”

“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”

“Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my
students do it without anaesthesia and a pair of pliers, I suppose I can
knock the price down to $10.”

“Marvellous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

Did you hear about the yogi who went to the dentist without using anesthetic?

He wanted to practise transcend dental medication

• Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes.
• Patient: And how much will it cost?
• Dentist: It’s $90.00.
• Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
• Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Pardon me for a moment, please,” said the dentist to the victim, “but before beginning this work I must have my drill.” “Good heavens, man!” exclaimed the patient irritably. “Can’t you pull a tooth without a rehearsal?”